Once in a library, in the evening, Russian literature characters started talking and arguing about Ivan the Fool.
“I am ashamed,” said Poor Liza, “that he is with us.”
“I'm also embarrassed to stand next to him,” said Oblomov. - He stinks of footcloths.
“Let her know that he’s smart,” Poor Liza suggested.
“Where will he get it?” - objected Ilya Muromets.
- At the Sage. And let him have time to do it before the third cocks.
They argued for a long time, and finally Ilya Muromets said: “Go, Vanka. It is necessary. See what they are all ... scientists. Go and remember, you don’t burn in fire, don’t drown in water ... I can’t vouch for the rest. ” Ivan bowed with his whole bow: "Do not remember with dashing if you are lost." And went. Walked, walked, sees - the light is on. There is a hut on chicken legs, and around the brick is piled up, slate, all kinds of lumber. Came out on the porch of Baba Yaga:
- Who it?
- Ivan is a fool. I go for help to the Sage.
“Are you really a fool or just simple-minded?”
“What are you talking about, Baba Yaga?”
- Yes, as I saw you, I immediately thought: oh and a talented guy! Can you build?
- With his father, he chopped a tower. And why do you need it?
- I want to build a cottage. Will you take
- I have no time. I’m going for help.
“Ah,” Baba Yaga said ominously, “now I understand who I'm dealing with.” A simulator! Rogue! The last time I ask: will you build?
- Not.
- Into his oven! Cried Baba Yaga.
Four guards raked Ivan and pushed into the oven. And then the bells rang in the yard. “My daughter is going,” Baba Yaga rejoiced. “With the groom, the Serpent Gorynych.” A daughter entered the hut, also terrible and also with a mustache. “Fu-fu-fu,” she said. “It smells of Russian spirit.” - "And I’m frying Ivan." My daughter looked into the oven, and from there - either crying, or laughing.
“Oh, I can’t,” Ivan groans.
- Not from the fire I will die - from laughter.
- What are you doing?
- Yes, I laugh at your mustache. How will you live with your husband? He is in the dark and cannot figure out who he is with - a woman or a man. Fall out of love. And maybe, having urchil, and bite off his head. I know these Mountaineers.
- Can you get a mustache?
- I can.
- Get out.
And just then three heads of Gorynych stuck through the windows and stared at Ivan. “This is my nephew,” Baba Yaga explained. - Away. " Gorynych examined Ivan so carefully and for so long that he could not stand it, got nervous: “Well? My nephew, my nephew. They told you so. Or what - will you eat guests? AND?!" Gorynych’s heads were surprised. “In my opinion, he is rude,” said one. The second, on reflection, added: "A fool, and a nervous one." The third was utterly brief: “Langet.”
- Wait, I'll show you such a langet! - Ivan exploded with fear.
- I'll arrange this! Tired of wearing heads ?!
“No, well, he’s rude with might and main,” the first head said almost crying.
“Stop pulling,” said the second head.
- Yes, stop pulling, - Ivan foolishly assented and sang:
I shaved you
On the rubble
You gave me
Stockings-boots ...
It became quiet. “Can you know romances? - asked Gorynych. - Well, sing it. I’ll bite off my hand. And you sing, ”he ordered Baba Yaga with his daughter.
And Ivan sang about “Khasbulat the remote”, and then, although he rested, he also had to dance before the Serpent. “Well now you have grown wiser,” said Gorynych, and threw Ivan out of the hut into a dark forest. Ivan is walking, and a bear is coming towards him.
“I'm leaving,” he complained to Ivan, “from shame and shame.” The monastery, near which I always lived, devils overtook. They make music, drink it, mock it, and monks are pestered. It’s necessary to run away from here, or you’ll learn to drink, or I’ll ask for a circus. You, Ivan, don’t have to go there. These are the worse Serpent of Gorynych.
“Do they know about the Sage?” - asked Ivan.
“They know everything.”
“Then I have to,” Ivan sighed and went to the monastery.
And there, around the walls of the monastery’s devils walk - whoever taped their hooves with a hoof, who flips through a magazine with pictures, who drinks brandy. And near the unyielding monastery guard at the gates, three musicians and a girl, “Black Eyes,” perform. Ivan devils immediately took to the throat: “I am a prince such that shreds will fly away from you. I’ll smash the bumps! ” The devils were amazed. One climbed onto Ivan, but his own dragged him aside. And a graceful one with glasses appeared in front of Ivan: “What's the matter, my friend? What is needed? ” “Help is needed,” Ivan answered. "We will help, but you also help us."
They took Ivan aside and began to consult with him how to smoke monks from the monastery. Ivan also gave advice - to sing a native song for the guard. The devils struck in a chorus "Across the wild steppes of Transbaikalia." The terrible guard was sad, went to hell, sat next to him, drank the offered cup, and the devils moved into the empty gates of the monastery. Then the devil ordered Ivan:
- Dance of the Kamarinsky!
“I went to the devil,” Ivan was angry. - After all, they agreed: I will help you, you to me.
- Well, dance, or we won’t lead to the Sage.
Ivan had to go dancing, and he immediately found himself with the devil from a little, white little old man - the Sage. But even that just does not give a certificate: "If you laugh to Nesmeyan, I will give a certificate." Ivan went with the Sage to the Nesmeians. And she gets bored out of boredom. Her friends lie among ficuses under quartz tanning lamps and are also bored. “Sing for them,” the Sage ordered. Ivan sang a ditty.
“Oh ...” the young moaned. - No, Vanya. Oh please...
- Vanya, dance! - ordered the Sage again.
- Go to hell! - got angry Ivan.
- A certificate? The old man asked ominously. - Here answer me a few questions, prove that smart. Then I will issue a certificate.
“May I ask?” - said Ivan.
“Let, let Ivan ask,” Nesmeyana squealed.
- Why do you have an extra rib? - Ivan asked the Sage.
“This is curious,” the young people became interested, surrounded the old man. “Well, show the rib,” and with a giggle they began to undress and feel the Sage.
And Ivan pulled out the seal from the pocket of the Sage and went home. Passed by the monastery - there with songs and dances hosted the devils. I met a bear, and he is already interested in working conditions in the circus and offers to drink together. And when he passed by the hut of Baba Yaga, he heard a voice:
- Ivanushka, free me. The serpent Gorynych put me in a toilet under the castle as a punishment.
Ivan freed the daughter of Baba Yaga, and she asks:
- Do you want to become my lover?
“Let's go,” Ivan decided.
“Will you make me a baby?” - asked the daughter of Baba Yaga.
- Can you handle children?
- I know how to swaddle, - she boasted and tightly swaddled Ivan in the sheets. And just then the Serpent Gorynych came up:
- What? Passion played out? Games started? I will harass you!
And just about to swallow Ivan, when the Don Ataman, sent from the library to Ivan's rescue, flew into the hut with a whirlwind. “Let's go to the clearing,” he told Gorynych. “I will snatch all your heads at once.” The battle lasted a long time. The chieftain Snake defeated. “Fighting you, Cossack, I haven’t met men,” Baba Yaga’s daughter spoke affectionately, the chieftain smiled, his mustache began to twist, and Ivan yanked him: it’s time for us to return.
In the library, Ivan and the chieftain greeted joyfully:
- Thank God, alive and well. Ivan, got a certificate?
“I got the whole seal,” Ivan answered. But what to do with it, no one knew.
“Why did they send a person so far away?” Ilya asked angrily.
- And you, Vanka, sit in your place - soon the roosters will sing.
- We would not sit, Ilya, do not sit back!
- What you came back ...
- Which one? - Ivan did not let up.
- This one came - guilty around. Sit here! ..
“So sit and think,” Ilya Muromets said calmly.
And the third roosters sang, and then the fairy tale ended. Maybe there will be another night ... But it will be a different fairy tale.
